Lent, the Cross, Atonement; all of this is hard for me to fully grasp. Sometimes I feel as if i have it and sometimes I feel scared that I feel so lost in it that it may not be real (key word there is "feel"). Chris and I came home last night after our Good Friday service and I was a ball of emotions-
my heart was heavy that my Christ willingly died on the cross for my sins.
I was feeling confused as to why he chose to do so.
I was feeling overjoyed with the firm reality I knew in my salvation was bought and paid for.
I was irritable that Chris couldn't come inside of my mind and figure all of this out for me.
I was confused as to what I felt- today represented when my Lord hung from a tree to pay for my sins, but at the same time it represented my salvation is paid for. The brightest and the darkest of events...
Praise be to our Lord that he is unwaivering in his attributes! The Lord is not confusing and does not withhold his truths from us. We came home and Chris pulled out his Systematic Theology book and we read and charted and put the truths we knew into the full story of what this day was about. We know and believe our God is fully good and fully righteous. He is love and he delights in bringing us joy. We need to be in fellowship with him to experience true joy, but left to our own, our sin would separate us from the Lord. So our God sent himself in the form of the Father's son to live a life without sin and then to die a death we deserve to make a way for us to be in full communion with him. In this death, he himself experienced the separation from the Father that sin results in and the wrath that the sin caused. Once he had experienced what was needed, he himself gave up his spirit.
Even though we have a way to communion with God, we still live in a fallen world and we are still sinners. This leads me to the "already but not yet". We have salvation- we can sense the goodness of God in life- a beautiful spring day, the love of Chris, Annabelle's adorable self, fun deep friendships. But in the midst of this joy, there is still unfathomable suffering in this world that weighs on my heart- anxiety about work, broken friendships, fleeting pleasures of this world. We are not yet in a sinless world where everything has been made new. I want to realize it is ok, even good for me to acknowledge the brokeness and hurt in this world, both in my life and others. I think this should put a groan in my heart to long for the time when Christ will dwell with us- when all things are redeemed and made new.
The Lord has been gracious to slowly teach me more about his ways and his being during this time of lent. My prayer is my feelings would not dictate my thoughts about our Lord but rather the truths of Him that the spirit allows me to store in my heart. I am eagerly awaiting the celebration of Easter tomorrow! What a God we serve.
It is finished.
He is risen!